Welcome to the blog! This week, we’re focusing on how to deal with unsolicited advice (and ignored instructions) from friends, family, and others.

The advice is helpful for all dog owners, but is especially well-suited to folks whose dogs have more complex behavior issues like fear, anxiety, or aggression.

Responding to Unsolicited Advice About Your Dog’s Behavior Issues

Caring for a dog with complex behavior issues like fear, anxiety and aggression is challenging in and of itself.

Dealing with unsolicited advice from others about those behavior issues adds a whole other layer of emotional and social challenges–whether it comes from a well-meaning friend or a stranger on the sidewalk.

Here are some of our top tips for responding to unwanted advice and ignored instructions from anyone who tries to insert themselves into your journey with your dog without an invitation.

1. Define the Relationship

Before you decide how to respond to someone who is giving unsolicited advice or ignoring your instructions, it’s important to define the relationship you have with that person.

Your responses will likely vary based on your answers to these two questions:

2. Set Appropriate Boundaries

Below are sample responses you can use to respond to unsolicited advice or ignored instructions from people in your life.

Please keep in mind that these are general guidelines, based on our experience helping clients to set boundaries with friends, family, and strangers.

Tweak and adjust your approach to find what works best for you based on your unique relationships, communication style, and current comfort level with boundary-setting.

These types of interactions often come from a random person on the street, in a store, at a restaurant, etc.

Responding to Unsolicited Advice from Category #1’s
If someone in this category gives unsolicited advice, it’s generally best to save your precious mental and emotional energy and avoid prolonging the interaction (unless you’re really in the mood to do so).

Depending on the person’s comment, a brief, “Thanks,” “No Thanks,” or “I’m Good,” will often suffice. Then, move along.

Dealing with Unwanted Interactions/Ignored Instructions from Category #1’s
If someone in this category tries to interact with your dog in an unwanted way, your first priority is just creating whatever space is needed to keep your dog comfortable.

You don’t really need to say anything. But, if you’d like to have a go-to phrase in hand, try something like, “Sorry, we’re not comfortable with that.”

It’s clear, concise, and doesn’t invite further discussion.

These types of relationships may include people like your veterinarian or a door attendant in your building.

Responding to Unsolicited Advice from Category #2’s
If someone in this category gives unsolicited advice, your response will likely vary depending on whether it’s their first, second, or third offense.

• The first time it happens, your response might be similar to that given to a Category #1 person – a simple, “Thanks” without inviting further dialogue.
• The second time, you might say something like, “Thank you. I’m comfortable with/confident about our current training & management plan right now.”
• The third time, you might escalate to a firmer statement like, “I’m not interested in discussing my dog’s behavior & training, thank you.” Then, immediately change the subject.

Dealing with Unwanted Interactions/Ignored Instructions from Category #2’s
As always, your first priority in these situations should be keeping your dog safe and comfortable.

The first time this happens with a Category #2 person, you might try the same phrase, “Sorry, we’re not comfortable with that.” But, since you’ll be seeing this person again, it can be helpful to follow it up with, “please do XYZ instead.”

Depending on the person’s receptiveness and curiosity, you may also choose to offer up a bit more of an explanation as to why you’re giving those specific instructions. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but if they’re genuinely curious, it can help them remember your instructions for next time.

Expect that you’ll need to reinforce your boundary multiple times – not necessarily because someone is purposefully trying to be malicious or harmful, but because it’s easy to forget someone else’s boundaries, especially if those boundaries are in conflict with how that person normally interacts with dogs.

If someone in this category is a repeat offender, you have a couple of options:

• You can try escalating your boundary in an attempt to allow some level of continued interaction: “I’ve asked that you not do ABC with my dog; I hope you’re able to honor that request moving forward. If not, we’ll unfortunately need to avoid further interactions.”
• If you’re uncomfortable escalating the boundary through a conversation, the simplest solution may be to just skip the dialogue entirely and move straight to ignoring, avoiding, or, in the case of someone like a veterinarian, finding another provider who is more responsive to your needs.

These types of relationships might include a sibling, aunt, cousin or friend who you see a handful of times a year, on holidays or vacations.

Responding to Unsolicited Advice from Category #3s
If someone in this category gives unwanted advice, your response might be similar to those from Category #2, but with a little more warmth:

• At first, you might say something like, “Thank you. I’m comfortable with/confident about our current training & management plan right now.” Then, change the subject/to a topic you know is of interest to them.
• If your friend or family member persists, you might escalate to a firmer statement like, “I appreciate your interest and advice, but I’m not interested in discussing my dog’s training & behavior. Thank you for understanding.” Then, change the subject.

Dealing with Unwanted Interactions/Ignored Instructions from Category #3’s
If someone in this category consistently ignores your instructions and tries to interact with your dog in an unwanted way, the simplest solution is generally to plan in advance to not include your dog in their visits.

This might mean having your dog board at your favorite kennel, stay with a trusted/experienced friend or family member, or stay in a separate part of your home while your friend or family member is visiting.

These types of relationships might include a parent or close friend who lives nearby.

Responding to Unsolicited Advice OR Ignored Instructions from Category #4s
Generally, it’s best to engage someone in Category #4 in a more in-depth conversation about their unsolicited advice or ignored instructions–ideally at a time when you’re both feeling pretty happy and relaxed.

The ideal approach and word choice will vary based on the individual and the unique relationship dynamics you share, but I find it’s often helpful to lead with your feelings. After all, this is someone you care about and who, presumably, cares about you too.

Sharing how their advice makes you feel in a kind, honest, and compassionate way–vs. just focusing on why their advice may be wrong/inappropriate/etc.–can have a much bigger impact on their receptiveness to your message, and on their behavior moving forward.

Your conversation might start something like this:

• “Can I ask you for something important related to Fluffy?”
  • Asking someone for help generally puts them in a more positive, open, and charitable frame of mind, which can help the rest of your conversation to go more smoothly.
• For unwanted advice, you might then say something like: “I’ve been working really hard on Fluffy’s training, and I feel good about the plan I have in place. I know you mean it in a helpful way, but when you offer advice about how I should change/adjust what we’re doing, it makes me feel sad/frustrated/disheartened/judged/etc (even though I know that’s not your intention). It would mean a lot to me if you could hold off on offering training advice unless I ask for it. I really, really appreciate you listening.”
• For ignored instructions, you can rework the words above to go something like, “I’ve been working really hard on their training, and I feel good about the plan I have in place. When you do [ABC] with Fluffy, it makes us both feel very worried/anxious/uncomfortable. I want us to all be able to spend time together, but I also need everyone to feel safe. Are you able to avoid doing [ABC] in the future, and do [XYZ] instead?”
• At this stage, it can also be helpful to invite your loved one to share any new boundaries THEY would like to implement related to your dog: Are there certain ways of interacting with your dog that make them feel uneasy? If so, work together to adjust the ways in which you spend time together so that everyone feels safe, relaxed, and comfortable.

Setting Boundaries Takes Practice

If you are new to setting boundaries related to your dog’s training & behavior, and you feel unsure about WHEN to set them vs. when to just let something go, it can be helpful to use your own emotions as a guide.

Specifically, if you find yourself feeling resentful about the way someone is treating you or your dog, that’s generally a strong, positive indicator that boundary setting is in order.

Setting boundaries with others can feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier over time—especially if you keep in mind the purpose behind those boundaries:

1. To keep your dog feeling safe and comfortable
2. To keep yourself feeling safe and comfortable
3. To maintain healthy, mutually respectful relationships with those you care about

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